Path into the unknown...

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a dancer.  As a child, I would spend hours in my bedroom in the reflection of the windows at night creating movements to popular songs at the time.  Sometimes I would even sing and make up the songs myself and then dance along to my probably inane humming whilst trying not to wake anyone in the house up.  It felt like a secret when I was in there creating things.  I was in my own world and no one could judge or laugh at me, and I felt damn good.  That's why I have always danced.  For that feeling of release, like getting something off your chest.  I guess in the same way as when a toddler throws a tantrum and works themselves up and gets tired afterwards.  It's kind of a cleansing process, getting rid of all of the negative vibes so that you can start again.  Like the feeling you are supposed to get after crying, except I have never got that really, I always feel sick, stupid and weak afterwards.

I have never actually told anyone this, but when I'm annoyed or upset at something, I dance.

I tend to put loud music on and flail my arms about wildly in my room, getting rid of the bad energy.  It has always worked for me until quite recently, when I experienced the realisation that actually I don't think I can be a professional dancer when I grow up anymore. And it sucks.  Really bad.  I wish I didn't have this idea in my head from such a young age, why couldn't I have had a different dream? A more realistic one that wouldn't hurt so much now?  I found out the answer to this one whilst sniffling and being pathetic down the phone to my boyfriend...'Because life isn't always getting what you want, dreams don't always come true.'  WHAT?!  All these years I've been watching Disney movies and fairytales and have always thought that if you truly want something and you work bloody hard, you can get it in the end.  Turns out you can't always.  It's a very lucky few who do.  Well, that's a bit shit.  So what am I meant to do? Do I just give up altogether and choose a different path?!

Apparently not.  Here's the beauty of it, all these years I've just felt so career driven, thinking that ultimately I wouldn't ever really die happy if I didn't achieve all my goals in being the next big thing on the West End.

Me, flailing wildly and being happy.  :-)

Yeah, so what?!  This has maybe been a bit of a late realisation on my part; due to maybe being naive and stuck in this vicious, horrible, self-loathing cycle and refusing to accept that I can't always have things my way, but it turns out you can achieve happiness by being on a path surrounded by family, friends and loved ones.  Cheesy I know, but this is the information I gleaned from an amazing woman I was interviewed by recently.  Just because you might not end up making money off your passion, does NOT mean you can't still pursue it and do it in different contexts and situations.  I'm still ALWAYS going to be the girl who is first on the dance-floor in an inebriated state or not, and dancing will still make me feel good and be happy.  I guess this way I just get to eat a few more pies and not have to worry about the repercussions.  Now I am not saying give up on your dreams or aspirations, because if you did, you'd be a bloody boring person who never stuck up for anything they believed in.  No one wants that.  Where would we be if Martin Luther King stood up to give his speech and said, 'I have a dream...but it's probably not gonna work out so....'  No.  Just no.

We need dreamers in this life.  I guess I'm just saying, don't beat yourself up so bad if they don't go EXACTLY how you planned them.  At least you gave it a shot.  As the saying goes, I would rather live my life knowing I tried for something and maybe didn't get it, than never trying and never knowing.  Don't play the 'What If...?' game with yourself, and losing your mind on a trivial error when everything you could have ever REALLY wanted is maybe curling up on the sofa with a glass of wine and a good book, surrounded by the people you love.  Or, hitting smashville in that club you go to with the mates you wouldn't change for the world.  Here's to the path into the unknown, with the people you'll never forget...